Fear & Shame: The Inside Game of Leadership and the Players We Can’t Ignore
Most leaders spend their time thinking about strategy, execution, and results. Makes sense—that’s what leadership is about, right?
Not exactly.
Leadership isn’t just about what you do; it’s about who you are while doing it. That’s the inside game of leadership. And two of the most powerful, yet underestimated players in that game? Fear and shame. They shape decisions, drive behavior, and influence relationships in ways that are easy to miss but impossible to escape.
Here’s the thing: You can have the best strategy in the world, but if fear and shame are calling the plays, you’ll struggle to take—or keep—the lead.
FEAR: The Ever-Present Companion
As a leader, you’re constantly stepping into the unknown, making tough calls, and taking risks that might not pan out. Fear comes with the job—especially in today’s increasingly VUCA (volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous) business landscape.
It’s even more amplified in entrepreneurship, where there’s no playbook, no guarantees, and no clear path forward. That’s why I often remind my clients that uncertainty isn’t a flaw of the entrepreneurial journey—it is the journey. And if uncertainty is the journey, fear is the constant companion. The goal isn’t to eliminate it but to expect it, accept it, and—believe it or not—learn to appreciate it.
Yet, our natural human response to big emotions like fear tends to take one of two paths: Avoidance or Over-Identification. Fear avoidance in leadership often looks like delaying decisions, playing small, or distracting oneself with busyness. Over-identification happens when fear takes the wheel, leading to reactivity, micromanagement, and perfectionism. Of course, neither approach leads to exceptional leadership.
Case Study: The Fear-Driven CEO
(Note: Emma is a composite of clients we have worked with at FF)
Emma, the CEO of a fast-growing startup, has built a product that’s found product-market fit and just secured her second round of funding. It’s now time to build out a strong team to scale the business. But Emma is hesitant to bring in senior leaders—what if they don’t align with her vision? What if they challenge her too much? What if she loses control?
Instead of hiring experienced executives, Emma holds onto control, keeping decision-making centralized. She justifies it as “staying lean,” but the reality is, she’s afraid. The company starts slowing down because Emma is bottlenecking decisions and her best employees are frustrated because they don’t feel empowered.
Now, imagine a different approach. Instead of letting fear dictate her decisions, Emma pauses and gets curious:
What is this fear really about? (Losing control? Not being seen as the most knowledgeable?)
What’s the worst that could happen if I hire a strong exec team?
What’s the worst that could happen if I don’t?
Instead of letting fear drive her decisions, Emma acknowledges her fear, works through it, and chooses to lead with courage and clarity. She hires a strong leadership team, and with the right leaders in place, the company scales more sustainably, innovation accelerates, and Emma can focus on the bigger picture rather than getting caught in the day-to-day.
SHAME: The Silent Underminer
If fear is about what might happen, shame is about identity and what you believe is already true about you. It makes you question who you are rather than what you can do.
It’s the quiet voice that whispers:
I’m not good enough, smart enough, or [fill in the blank] enough.
I don’t belong here.
If they find out who I really am, I’ll lose credibility.
As a coach, I see shame quietly undermine even the most capable leaders. It often drives them to overcompensate—pushing to extremes, overworking, over-promising, or micromanaging to prove their worth. Others respond by retreating—avoiding hard conversations, downplaying their contributions, or failing to fully own their power.
Shame can also show up as self-sabotage—procrastinating on key decisions, dismissing opportunities, or undermining success because, deep down, they don’t believe they deserve it. And then there’s defensiveness—rejecting feedback, shifting blame, or refusing to show vulnerability as a way to protect themselves.
Case Study: The Shame-Driven Founder
(Note: Mark is a composite of clients we have worked with at FF)
Mark, a first-time founder, closes a big investment round. On the surface, he’s excited, but inside, imposter syndrome takes hold. He looks at other CEOs and thinks, They know what they’re doing—I don’t.
Mark starts overcompensating. He pretends to have all the answers, refusing to ask for help or admit uncertainty. When his team challenges a decision, he takes it personally—his shame tells him that if he doesn’t have all the answers, he’s a fraud. His defensiveness creates a toxic culture where employees stop speaking up. Eventually, the board questions his leadership, and he burns out trying to prove himself.
Now, imagine a different approach. Instead of letting shame dictate his behavior, Mark acknowledges it and gets curious:
Where did this belief that “I have to know everything” come from?
How does shame show up in my body, and what does it feel like?
What would it look like to lead with humility?
By exploring and integrating the parts of himself that carry shame, Mark embraces compassion, trust, and collaboration. He starts asking for input, owning what he doesn’t know, and empowering his team. The company—and his leadership—becomes stronger because of it.
Fear, Shame, and Growth
Fear and shame aren’t the only emotions that leave leaders feeling stuck or showing up in ways they regret. Other emotions, like anger, certainly play a role. But anger is often a secondary emotion—a surface reaction that frequently traces back to fear or shame. That’s why addressing these two at their root is so crucial.
Fear and shame are powerful on their own, but they also reinforce each other. Left unchecked they create an internal cycle that limits both your trajectory of growth and your ability to realize your full potential.
But when leaders commit to examining, managing, and integrating their fear and shame, everything shifts. Clarity replaces hesitation. Courage replaces avoidance. Self-trust replaces the need to prove. Time and time again, I’ve seen leaders break free from these patterns—and the transformation is undeniable.
THE WORK: Integrating Fear & Shame
As a coach, my role is to help clients recognize how their emotions—whether acknowledged or suppressed into what psychologist Carl Jung called ‘the Shadow’—shape their leadership. I hold space, surface observations and patterns, and ask generative questions to help leaders examine, feel, and process these emotions. Below I share some of the foundational skills and practices my clients and I use to engage in meaningful fear and shame work.
Presence is foundational to all inner work, which is why it’s part of The Work section in nearly all of our Deeper Dive essays. While it may sound simple, it’s anything but easy—especially for fast-moving, hard-charging entrepreneurs and executives. Developing a mindfulness practice and committing to conscious leadership aren’t just beneficial; they’re essential. Without awareness, we stay reactive, letting fear and shame take the wheel.
Building emotional and somatic literacy is also foundational to this work. Most people can name only a handful of emotions—typically three to five—yet research shows there are far more. A common saying in therapeutic work is: “You have to name it to tame it.” Indeed, recognizing and naming fear and shame are crucial first steps in self-awareness.
Another guiding principle is: “You have to feel it to heal it.” In other words, emotions don’t just go away when you ignore them—you have to acknowledge and process them to actually move through them. As most leaders spend their day operating from their intellect and disconnected from the wisdom of their bodies, this is easier said than done.
That’s why developing the habit of checking in with yourself is so important. This is where presence and mindfulness meet curiosity and reflection.
Practice listening to your emotions and body by asking:
What sensations am I experiencing, and where in my body do I feel them? A tightness in my chest, a fluttering in my stomach, warmth in my face.
What core emotions are present? (e.g., fear or shame)? A mix of anxiety and self-doubt, or maybe shame disguised as defensiveness. Fear that I’m not doing enough, or that I’ll be judged.
What might these sensations and emotions be trying to tell me? That I feel unprepared, that I care deeply about this situation, or that I’m holding myself to an unrealistic standard.
What do these sensations and emotions need from me? A deep breath, self-compassion, movement, or a moment of stillness to process before responding.
At the end of each day, take a few moments to reflect and journal on when and how fear or shame influenced your actions. Consider how you might show up differently next time. Approach this practice with curiosity rather than judgment—creating space for deeper understanding and transformation.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung
Explore these journaling prompts to gain insight into how fear and shame impact your leadership:
When has fear or shame held me back in my leadership journey?
How do fear and shame show up in my leadership style, and how have they shaped my decisions?
Have I ever avoided a difficult conversation because of fear or shame? What was the impact?
What stories do I tell myself when I feel like I’m failing? How true are they?
How might my leadership shift if I led with courage instead of fear or shame?
Racket and Reframe is a cognitive reframing tool designed to shift negative, fear-based stories into more positive, courageous ones. Track your fear-and shame-based thoughts over two weeks—you’ll be surprised by what surfaces (my clients always are!). Record them in this workbook and follow the prompts to explore their origins, question their truth, and notice the emotions and sensations they bring up. Then, reframe each thought with self-compassion and courage, and create a plan to reinforce this new perspective. It may sound simple, but neuroscience shows that practicing this rewires the brain for lasting change.
Stop, Breathe, Ask (SBA) is a simple yet powerful tool that builds on the practices outlined above to help navigate big emotions in the moment. It can be used whenever you feel strong emotions rising or notice your thoughts spiraling. The process is straightforward:
Stop – Pause to recognize and name the emotion and interrupt the automatic reaction.
Breathe – Take a deep breath to regulate your nervous system and create space between the feeling and your response.
Ask (yourself) – Engage your prefrontal cortex (your rational brain) to counteract the amygdala’s fear response and to help you gain clarity and respond with intention.
What’s actually needed here?
What would I say if I felt calm and confident?
How do I want to show up in this moment?
What is the outcome I want?
Practicing SBA regularly will strengthen your ability to pause, process, and choose a thoughtful response—even in high-stakes moments.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor Frankl
These practices and tools are just a starting point—ones you can explore on your own. Working with a coach or therapist on shadow work, parts work (like Internal Family Systems), or other healing modalities can help you go even deeper. The goal isn’t to master every tool or modality—it’s to find what resonates with you and commit to the work. The transformation will follow—I promise.
THE BIGGER PICTURE: Why This Work Matters
Fear and shame distort reality. They magnify small risks into insurmountable obstacles and turn constructive challenges into personal attacks. Left unchecked, they drive leaders into cycles of reactivity—micromanaging, burning out, and unintentionally creating toxic work cultures.
But when leaders commit to doing the inner work to understand, manage, and process these emotions, everything shifts. They show up with greater clarity, confidence, and resilience—making decisions from a place of grounded awareness rather than fear or shame. They lead with authenticity, fostering trust and openness in their teams. They navigate uncertainty with a sense of possibility rather than paralysis.
And when leaders do this work, they make space for their people to do the same. By modeling self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and resilience in the face of fear and shame, they cultivate a culture where individuals feel safe to explore their own growth. This not only creates stronger teams but also ripples out into how people show up in all aspects of their lives—at home, in their communities, and beyond.