Dear Self, Let’s Be Friends: Leadership Edition
I haven’t written in a while—either a blog post or my monthly newsletter.
It was intentional at first. I pulled back on a number of commitments when I adopted my son. Parenting is now my top priority.
I decided in May that I wanted to get back to writing. It helps me clarify my thoughts and synthesize concepts, frameworks, and ideas from the content I consume, courses I take, and clients I coach. It helps me grow and I hope it helps you grow too.
Writing again means that my Inner Critic has started turning up her volume. She doesn’t like it when I start projects that make me vulnerable. And she gets agitated when I miss deadlines. She also likes to open the doors to a whole host of critical characters, each one sharing a statement or story about how I am not good enough in some way. The newest cast member criticizes my parenting skills and can be particularly harsh.
What makes this all the more frustrating is that my “Word of the Year” is posted on the wall behind my computer … SELF-COMPASSION! Boy does my Inner Critic love to point out that irony!
Why We Are so Hard on Ourselves?
So what is going on here? Why do we all struggle to be as compassionate with ourselves as we are to others? Why is this so hard?
To answer that we need to understand the vital roles neuroscience and physiology play in our psyche. Our amygdala serves as our primary threat-defense system. At one time, its focus was saving us from lions and tigers and bears (oh my!). Now it mainly protects our egos and identities. It sounds the alarm bell when our primary fears - of failure, of unworthiness, of not belonging - arise and it reacts by pumping us full of cortisol and adrenaline. This leads us to the famous fight or flight response - only against the wrong people: ourselves. As self-compassion researcher, thought leader, and author Kristin Neff writes, “When our self-concept is threatened, the danger is an inward one. We are both the attacked and the attacker.” We beat ourselves up, withdraw into shame spirals, or ruminate endlessly on “shoulda”, “coulda”, and “woulda.” This is terrible for our health, increasing our stress and anxiety while decreasing our confidence and self-worth.
And yet we still do it–A LOT!
This is because our threat response is amplified by the often unconscious belief that being self-compassionate makes us weak. We think we need to be hard on ourselves to perform at our best. While we may not love our Inner Critics, most of us accept them taking up valuable space in our minds because we think they drive high performance.
The number one reason people give for why they aren't more self-compassionate is that they're afraid if they're too soft on themselves, they'll let themselves get away with anything. They really believe that their internal judge plays a crucial role in keeping them in line and on track. – Kristin Neff
While fear may sometimes work in the short term; in the long-term, it is a recipe for burnout and dissatisfaction. I saw this play out first-hand in my operating days and I see it happening with many of the leaders and companies I work with today. Leading with compassion, rather than fear, serves as powerful encouragement (etymology: “to take heart”) to take risks and find learning opportunities in failure. It can also serve as “tough love”, motivating and challenging you (and your team members) like a Coach instead of verbally abusing and diminishing like a Critic.
Another factor impacting how compassionate we are with ourselves is our upbringing. Rarely does an Inner Critic grow without having had an Outer Critic as an influence. It can be hard to forgive ourselves for mistakes or “be with” ourselves in an accepting way if our caregivers are not forgiving or accepting of us. Or perhaps you are like me, hardwired as a child to believe that achievement - winning the soccer game or bringing home straight As - is what makes you worthy. Loving yourself unconditionally is difficult when it hasn’t been modeled or experienced. As we learn to hold ourselves with compassion, we learn to be with ourselves and open our hearts in a way that can be extremely healing. In this way, self-compassion is foundational to re-parenting ourselves and is among the most transformational work we can do.
The Most Important Conversations You Will Ever Have
Take some time right now to think about how much compassion you show yourself. A great way to assess this is to be mindful of your thoughts. Ask yourself:
What are your automatic negative thoughts (“ANTS”) telling you?
What is that negative roommate living at the back your mind shouting at you?
Some people are really attuned to the negative soundtrack playing in their heads. And others less so. If you are in the second camp, I suggest the following exercise I ask my clients to do. For two weeks, pull up the notes app on your phone and write down every negative thing you say to yourself.
I once had an Engineer client, who confidently reported high self-compassion, call me after one week of this fieldwork exclaiming, “Holy crap, I really wasn’t aware of all the terrible things I have been saying to myself. I would never talk to anyone else like this!”
I told him what I tell all my clients (and myself daily): “The most important conversations you will ever have are with yourself.” And then I congratulated him on taking the first step to more compassionate self-talk: awareness.
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
I have worked with hundreds of leaders throughout my career and NONE of them have told me on the first call, “I need/want to work on self-compassion.” So what does it have to do with becoming a better leader?
The answer is EVERYTHING. No matter what goals my clients come to coaching with, their relationship with themselves is always a part of our engagement. Not only because research links self-compassion with less stress and more happiness, but also because self-compassion is at the heart of many of the qualities and skills considered essential for exceptional leadership.
Self-compassion is a huge part of having a growth mindset. Many of my clients talk a big “growth mindset” game to their employees and then lose much-needed sleep self-flagellating over what they should or shouldn’t have said, done, or known. I find myself reminding them often, “It is not about the problem (mistake, failure, etc.), it is about how you relate to it.” Relating with self-compassion accelerates growth.
Fostering self-compassion can also help you to be more innovative. When you learn to support rather than attack yourself in failure, you become much more comfortable taking risks. You are better able to ground yourself, manage through volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity (VUCA), and drive problem-solving from a space of openness and trust rather than fear.
Burnout is a common topic with my clients and self-compassion plays a role here as well. Self-compassionate people know what is important to them and they set clear boundaries to protect their time and energy. They prioritize their overall well-being, which impacts their long-term productivity and performance.
Self-compassion also impacts authenticity and vulnerability. Authenticity is a result of mindful introspection. It is about knowing who you are and what you believe and staying true to yourself. When you have self-compassion you are more likely to embrace your whole self and less likely to feel shame. Author and famed shame researcher Brene Brown writes about how daring leaders lead with courage, connection, and compassion. Her research has found that self-love is a critical factor in helping us to take off our armor and show vulnerability.
Studies show that having compassion for ourselves helps us have more compassion for others. Research has also found that being compassionate with yourself influences those around you to be more self-compassionate. This compassion helps with connection and also helps create psychological safety which, according to Google’s Project Aristotle, is the common denominator of the highest-performing teams.
With self-compassion being so vital to successful leadership, why aren’t we talking about it more in the business world? I believe this comes back to the commonly held view that self-compassion is soft. This thinking is aligned with the Old Leadership Paradigm, where command, control, and power ruled the day. Thankfully, we are in the early stages of a New Leadership Paradigm, where compassion, collaboration, and co-creation are core to successful leadership. In this new paradigm, I believe more and more leaders will begin to see self-compassion for what it really is: a leadership superpower.
The Work
The great news is that compassion - for self and others - is a skill that can be learned and improved. In business and leadership domains, this work is commonly framed as “developing a compassionate mindset.” Psychologists and psychiatrists, like Dr. Richard Schwartz, creator of Internal Family Systems, speak about compassion as more of a way of being that is at the essence of all humans. This is in line with how Buddhism and other ancient philosophies present compassion work - as “a tapping into what is already within us”. Whichever way lands best for you, it is important to understand that BEING compassionate is far more about the practice and the experiential than the cognitive. In other words, it’s all about practice, practice, practice. I have to remind myself of this often. When I fall out of practice, I easily fall out of self-compassion.
Self-Compassion Practices
This first exercise–the self-forgiveness scan–comes from psychologist and writer, Tara Brach. Brach extols Radical Acceptance (the name of her best-selling book) as the antidote to us humans walking around in what she calls a “trance of unworthiness.” The forgiveness scan is designed to help you identify the ways you may be blocking or withholding self-compassion and self-forgiveness.
The way out of the cage begins with accepting absolutely everything about ourselves and our lives, by embracing with care our moment-to-moment experience. – Tara Brach
Forgiveness Scan
I have incorporated the following into my end-of-day routine. I do it just after my gratitude practice. After centering myself with a few deep breaths, I ask myself, “Is there anything between me and being at home with myself?” Feel free to change the wording in any way that helps you identify the presence of self-blame. Then pause and see what comes up in your body and mind. What stories of wrongdoing have you been telling yourself; maybe stories of letting others down or of performing poorly at work? Are there ways you do not meet your standards as a parent, partner, or friend? If something arises, simply acknowledge it and offer it forgiveness. You might gently place your hand on your heart and whisper, “Forgiven, forgiven” or “It’s OK.” Recall your intention to not push yourself out of your own heart. Then inquire again, “Is there anything else I’m holding against myself?”
Continue in this way until you’ve identified whatever self-judgments you’ve been carrying. End the scan by offering yourself a wish for your own peace of heart and mind. Then take some moments to write down anything you noticed about the process of self-compassion in your journal.
This next exercise, the self-compassion break, is from Kristen Neff. Self-compassion breaks help us activate our care system and minimize the response of the threat-defense system. When we learn to “tend and befriend” ourselves we provide ourselves and our nervous systems with a sense of security and well-being. We also provide support so that we can cope effectively and think clearly about the next best steps.
Self-compassion Break
I take a self-compassion break when my Inner Critic gets loud, I notice I am ruminating, and/or I sense anger or irritability arising in my body. Per Neff’s recommendation, I have created three mantras (create your own that work for you) related to Neff’s three components of self-compassion: 1) Kindness, 2) Common Humanity, and 3) Mindfulness. Note that this self-compassion tool incorporates cognitive reframing with emotional and somatic work.
When I am feeling the need for a reset, I pause and take some deep breaths to center myself. Depending on where I am, I sometimes stand up so I can really feel my feet on the ground. Then I put my hand on my heart, and say the following:
This is hard. I feel ______ (angry, frustrated, etc.)
This first phrase is meant to help you be mindfully present with the pain you’re experiencing.
Hard sh*t is a part of life. We all struggle.
This mantra is designed to remind you are connected to humanity. We are all going through something and you are not alone.
May I be kind to myself and accept myself as I am.
This mantra calls in the power of love and kindness
If speaking to yourself like this makes you uncomfortable you are not alone. It may help to think about it as if you were speaking to a friend. How many times have you looked at a hurting, defeated friend or family member and said, “Stop being so hard on yourself”? It’s amazing that what we say with ease to our loved ones can be so difficult to say and receive ourselves.
More Tools
It is important to find the tools that work best for you. Here are a few more to consider. Keep in mind that becoming more compassionate with yourself is lifelong work. If you are struggling with progress, coaching, therapy (highly recommend IFS referenced above), and/or plant-based medicines may help you go deeper.
The Racket and the Reframe. This work helps to shift us from our negative, fear-based stories to more caring, courage-based reframes. In essence, it helps us quiet our Inner Critic and develop our Inner Coach. Download our workbook here.
LovingKindness Meditation. Compassion is one of the 4 Noble Truths of Buddhism. Metta Bhavana, or loving-kindness meditation, is a method of developing compassion. I practice LKM after I do my gratitude and forgiveness practices just before bedtime.
Inquiry + Inner Child. Creator of Positive Intelligence, Shirzad Chamine, suggests that when we are feeling down on ourselves, we ask, “What would be the most loving and compassionate thing you could say to yourself right now?” If this is hard, visualizing your inner child (which is a common technique in therapy and coaching) can be helpful. I keep a picture of myself as a toddler by my desk as a visual cue that helps when I need a loving reset.
Self-compassion is THE Way Forward
Self-compassion is neither soft nor weak; it is brave and bold. It takes courage and commitment to unlearn ways of thinking and being and to learn new ones. It requires us to break the trance of unworthiness. This is no simple task when so many of us have been hustling for worthiness our whole lives. Improving self-compassion requires dedication and diligence and is daily, if not minute-to-minute, work. As I heard author Bruce Feiler recently say on the Pulling The Thread podcast, “Success is not climbing, success is digging.”
We are at a pivotal moment in history. Humans are more divided than ever and anxiety, loneliness, and depression are at all-time highs, as is economic inequality. At the same time, our planet is in crisis. I believe the three pillars of self-compassion - mindfulness, kindness, and common humanity - both separately and together are key to changing course.
Given how much time we spend at work, founders and executives have a huge opportunity - and even a responsibility - to dig deep and do the work. To serve as mirrors of wholeness and resilience through challenging times. To build high-performing cultures based on belonging and empowerment as opposed to fear and “power over”.
Brené Brown writes, “We desperately need more leaders who are committed to courageous, wholehearted leadership and who are self-aware enough to lead from their hearts, rather than unevolved leaders who lead from hurt and fear.” The New Paradigm leaders who understand and commit to this work will be the leaders who build and scale the next generation of exceptional teams, cultures, and organizations. In this way, both these leaders and their companies will serve as “compassion accelerators” impacting real, meaningful change throughout their communities and the world at large.
Finding My Way Back
Circling back to how I finally put some words on the page? Returning to my self-compassion toolkit created the space for me to remember why I write in the first place - to synthesize concepts and provide insights on topics important to learning and growth - for both myself and my clients. In turn, writing about self-compassion served as a reinforcing mechanism for me to show up for myself in a kinder, gentler way. This post has been a therapeutic endeavor for me. I hope it is also helpful to you on your self-compassion journey.
Referenced and/or Suggested Materials
Growth Mindset - Carol Dweck
How We Heal - Alexandra Elle
Internal Family Systems - Dr. Richard C. Schwartz
Loving Kindness - Sharon Salzberg
Mindful Self-Compassion and Fierce Self-Compassion - Kristin Neff
Positive Intelligence - Shirzad Chamine
Radical Acceptance - Tara Brach